I want you to remember a time where you felt loved. I know at the time you felt like you didn’t deserve it and now you feel like you know you don’t deserve it but remember love, and hold on tight.
What are you thinking of? Was it the time you and him were slow dancing in the mall when it was late and you were really the only ones there? How about the day you left your high school job for that college work placement and the team gave you that beautiful card with all those gorgeous “I’ll miss you”s and “what will we do without you”s. You read that card just yesterday, didn’t you? The ink fading from age but you know exactly what it says. What about when it was your birthday at your new job? You had only been there a month and all day they pretended like they forgot but sure enough, a card and homemade cupcakes awaited you.
See? You have all these memories to choose from. Just choose one, that’s all, and know that the feeling will come again. You will feel it again because these feelings don’t last. It will get better. It doesn’t feel like it right now. You scoff at yourself writing these words but the pain will end, the nightmares will stop, and love will break through.
But you need to help yourself. Stop looking for love and support in people who are no longer capable. Stop holding grudges against childhood abuses. Stop playing that day over and over in your head. Forgive yourself like you have forgiven those around you. Give yourself that second and third and fourth chance that you’ve afforded others. Make new memories to replace the old, painful ones. Never forget the beautiful, loving ones. Remember that you have them. Write. Write all that junk on paper so it is out of your head. Don’t worry what others will say. You own everything that has happened to you. You will disappoint yourself. You will fail. But as they say, courage is not measured by those who fall down but by those who rise up.
So, rise up. Believe. Forgive. Love. Embrace the broken. Remember that the present is temporary. And most importantly, remember love and hold on tight.